Amusing Barbie Anecdote

BARBIE WITH ATTITUDE

Much of the valley was upset about our daughter's Barbie, but most tried to be discreet.

"Oh," they said as Elena primped the hourglass-shaped doll in their presence. "Ahem," they coughed as she combed Barbie's voluptuous platinum hair. "So you got your daughter one of. . . those. How enlightened."

A few were up close and personal. "Trying to turn this bright little girl into a bimbo, eh? Doing your part to feed the Beauty Myth? Don't be surprised when she brings home a plastic guy named Ken."

The doll was a gift from Beyond the Valley, we explained. Should we tear Barbie out of a little girl's hands? Or should we use the primitive attachment between girls and Barbies to provide positive role models? Deeply concerned about our daughter's self-image, we opted for the wiser course.

Sure the leggy doll gives a distorted picture of female bodies, but we're actively fighting that image. That's why, while most Barbies wear bathing suits and prom dresses, Elena's is the first Grunge Barbie.
First we mashed Barbie's jeans in a garlic press and slipped her slim legs into the shreds. Then we smeared Barbie's white sneakers with composted soil. How her sky-blue eyes sparkled in contrast with the grimy sludge on her shoes. But that bust!
To take the silicon shape out of Barbie, we draped her figure in flannels that reeked of the '70s. Next we dyed her voluptuous platinum hair purple, spiked it, and pierced one eyebrow. Then we handed her back to our impressionable daughter.
Even though Barbie never looked so Grunge, Elena didn't quite catch on. She was all set to send Barbie shopping for a new Corvette like the ones her friends' Barbies drive. But as Image Conscious Valley Parents, we found alternatives to such conspicuous consumption. It just took a little imaginative role playing.
Most mornings, Elena's Barbie drives her Volvo to her Past Life Regression workshops. In their past lives, other Barbies were mere pools of plastic, but Elena's started out as an eco-feminist warrior who freed Roman slaves. During the Renaissance, she was a goddess responsible for keeping paganism alive. Later she served as an hourglass on the Santa Maria and most recently, she was an androgynous second baseman for the 1927 Yankees. Recovering past lives doesn't just turn Barbie into a history lesson; it offers rich father-daughter quality time.

When Elena started to make her Barbie dance, we put a stop to it. None of that Karaoke Barbie for our daughter. Instead, we smeared chocolate up and down the doll's body, turning her into Performance Artist Barbie with an NEA grant and an attitude. When Barbie screamed "Die, American crypto-Nazi puppets!" Elena decided she wanted to be a performance artist, too. It just takes the proper role models.
Role models like Ken, the aromatherapist. Yes, every Barbie has her Ken. Elena's, also a gift, changed his name to Kenneth R. and is into essential oils and essences that center the soul. Elena's Barbie has weekly sessions with Kenneth R. and is making progress toward full healing. Most Barbies marry their Kens but Elena's is co-habitating with hers and doesn't care who knows it. Regardless of what happens between them, this is one Barbie who will be keeping her last name, whatever that might be. It's amazing how children learn, soaking up lessons like a sponge.
No Barbie would be complete without a full line of accessories. Elena's came with high heels, purses, necklaces, and other chains of oppression. We set them aside. We had to make Barbie's paraphernalia ourselves, but she now faces life with a tiny cappuccino maker that spews out pretty decent lattes. She's got her own Barbie laptop computer with Internet account, a Barbie compost pile and a complete line of Barbie homeopathic products for the home and office where she works as a personal injury lawyer helping people whose self-esteem was damaged by their dolls.

Elena is already applying the lessons she has learned from Barbie and teaching them to others. Seems G.I. Joe, which her brother got from Beyond the Valley, had never gotten in touch with his Wild Man within.